Punicious Punography

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

A magician had to cancel his show, because he’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”

A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

As one frog croaked to the other “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

How do you find the Easter Bunny? Eggs marks the spot.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.

I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.

I wonder which bright spark invented fire?

I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’ve been watching a TV program about water fowl; it was a duckumentary.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

It would be pointless tweeting about my cold, because it’s already gone viral.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.

My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

#SphericalEarthArgument
If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Someone bet me that I couldn’t build an outdoor rabbit enclosure, but I gave them a run for their money.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

The Easter Bunny has been having a bad hare day.

The first rule of Dunning–Kruger Club is that you don’t know you’re in Dunning–Kruger Club.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

The word ‘twice’ is so good they named it ‘twice’.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.

Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is ‘One Two Three’ and the other’s name is ‘Un Deux Trois.’ Who makes it across? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a duck that just doesn’t fit in? Mallardjusted.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

What has big ears, delivers Easter eggs and goes ‘hippityBOOM, hippityBOOM, hippityBOOM’? The Easter Elephant.

What’s the bear minimum? One bear.

What’s the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack? One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Which came first, the chocolate egg or the chocolate chicken?

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a B comes after it…

Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

 

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