MumblingNerd Jokes in Alphabetical Order

13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.

140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.

1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.

A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.

A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.

A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.

A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.

A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.

A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.

A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.

A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Regrettably I’ve so far failed to apply that to utility bills.

A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.

A tale about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story.

According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.

After all the hype I’ve heard, red tape is surprisingly easy to cut through.

After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

After pouring oil on troubled waters, I’m now pouring coffee through an anxious filter.

After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said “Good eye might.”

And now for some brilliant word-play for telepaths.

An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.

Apparently a Japanese zoo has an elephant seal. That must take one hell of a lot of cling film.

Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.

Apparently the Dalai Lama is not actually a Llama.

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.

As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.

As house spiders are getting bigger, I’ve adjusted the burglar alarm so they don’t trigger it. I wondered where all the flies had gone…

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. My atoms have extra morons.

Attempting to sketch with French chalk, but I’m drawing a blanc.

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

Aww, a little bird just told me to cheer up. Oh, I misheard; it said chirp.

Belts are waisted on me.

Best foot forward. However, involve your worst foot too, or you won’t get very far.

Birds must be infuriated when they get vertigo.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

British Waterways are encouraging canal users to change their locks regularly.

Can anyone recommend a local artisan natural GM free organic vegan craft pop-up pantry zero carbon footprint kitchen micro café?

Can you spot a pointillist painting without going dotty? I don’t see the point.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.

Delighted to know that oily fish is good for you, because these reformed economy fish fingers soaked in melted lard really hit the spot.

Did a little bowling practice this morning. I now regret not finishing the cereal first.

Digging up grape plants felt de-vine.

Do you want to increase your Social Media presence? Fluorescent paint will make a huge difference to your visibility.

Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.

Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

Don’t breed guppies. We have much bigger fish to fry.

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

Doughnuts are very good for you; as long as you eat the hole thing.

Eco friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

Edward Scissorhands wore contact lenses; he should have gone to Specsavers.

Egyptian boatmen are in denial.

Everybody you ever met in your life was brought to you for a reason. Last night it was pizza.

Fabrics are conspicuous at the Olympics; must be all the curtain raising and blanket coverage.

Finding accommodation for a flock of chickens was a big coup for me.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.

Focus on the positives and forget the negatives, but not if you’re still using a camera with film in it.

Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?

Found a woollen jumper by the bus stop this morning; perhaps a driver had to pullover.

Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.

Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.

Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.

Had a brush with the law yesterday; I found a box of toupees and now the police are combing the area.

Has anyone else tried fly-tipping? As soon as I attempt it they fly off.

Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?

Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.

Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?

How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?

Hummingbirds should attend to their personal hygiene.

I almost borrowed a book from the library called HOW to HUG; until I noticed it was volume twelve of an encyclopaedia…

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.

I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.

I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.

I attached some guitar strings to the cat once; turned it into a strumpet.

I bought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

I bumped into our local Domino’s Pizza recently; if it had fallen down, would it have taken all the other Domino’s with it?

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.

I can’t remember the name of my homing pigeon, but I’m sure it will come back to me.

I could eat French honey with every miel.

I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.

I couldn’t find a nutcracker, so I used a sledgehammer.

I couldn’t work in a cemetery; there are too many dead lines.

I currantly love raisins.

I cut my finger today, but on the other hand I’m fine.

I did a roll call in the kitchen this morning, but as none replied I had sliced wholemeal.

I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.

I don’t know why I’ve been called supernumerary; maths has never been my strong point.

I don’t regret the demise of wired phones, except now I can’t slam the receiver down on the 95% of calls that are spam.

I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?

I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.

I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.

I drove past one of those average speed cameras yesterday, but I thought it looked pretty good.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.

I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.

I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.

I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

I felt like I should be dusting or vacuuming. So I’m having a coffee until the feeling passes.

I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.

I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Now I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.

I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.

I had to give up being narcissistic when I realised I couldn’t spell it.

I had to sell all the rabbits and pheasants, because I didn’t want to give the game away.

I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.

I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?

I have a spring in my step today. Also a tiny cogwheel and a brass screw from an old clock.

I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.

I have quite a large fan base. Although to be fair, the fan is still unstable and liable to fall over.

I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.

I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.

I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.

I just discovered a greenhouse that’s only a stone’s throw away…

I just found some raw toast.

I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.

I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was “Me, how?”

I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m hopping around on one leg.

I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.

I need to buy a bigger scarf; my old one is too tight.

I never thought I’d determine what this gateau is; but it turned out to be a piece of cake.

I now realise that I will never be old enough to be grown up.

I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.

I once tripped and fell on a cricket pitch in freshly ironed trousers; I ruined the crease.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

I owned an abacus when I was an art student; I was part of the counter-culture.

I paused to listen mindfully to the gentle sounds that surround me today. Turns out to have been chewing gum on my shoe.

I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.

I really dislike 144; it’s gross.

I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.

I repaired a hole in my sock, but it was sew sew boring.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?

I saw someone tearing off a newspaper coupon today; I wish they’d cut it out.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

I spent all last night running around the bed, but I still didn’t catch up on my sleep.

I spoke to a grassroots campaigner today, but they refused to look at my lawn.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.

I take homeopathy with a pinch of salt. Of course the pinch of salt is so diluted that my descendants will be drinking it for generations.

I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.

I think river valleys are gorgeous.

I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.

I tried 3D printing some Dutch footwear, but it clogged up the printer.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.

I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.

I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.

I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.

I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.

I used to have a life outside of social media, but I forgot the password to it.

I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.

I used to mix up ‘follicular’ and ‘funicular’, which led to some very hairy train rides.

I used to rest on my laurels, but then I had them cut down and a fence put up.

I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.

I visited an owl sanctuary recently, but the owls didn’t give two hoots.

I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.

I was approached by a whistle blower today. I confiscated it.

I was balancing the books today, until Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ toppled the whole pile.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.

I was explaining something to someone when they said “I’ll take your word for it” so I’ve had them charged with plagiarism.

I was in a field of spring flowers today singing “Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do.” No reply.

I was in a pretty pickle today. Well, I say pretty, gherkins are more attractive than actually pretty.

I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.

I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.

I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was animated.

I went the extra mile today. Got off the bus at the wrong stop…

I went to Muffin Break today, but they only do replacement muffins, not repairs.

I wouldn’t visit a denture shop; I don’t like to pick my teeth in public.

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I’d like the sun to return, but fog will never be mist.

I’d like to give you some sage advice. It goes well with parsley, rosemary and thyme.

I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.

I’ll never get rid of these gnat bites; I think I’ll have to start from scratch.

I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.

I’m a man of letters. Sorry, that should have said lettuce. It’s a lad thing, I mean a salad thing.

I’m a Pacifist; it’s my favourite ocean.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

I’m amazed at how much procrastinating I managed to fit in today.

I’m concerned about this kebab; I suspect it may be from ancient grease.

I’m ecstatic, which is a relief; the static was quite painful.

I’m feeling a little left behind today. Later on I shall also feel my right side.

I’m feeling marginalised. I’m on page one, just to the left of the first paragraph.

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

I’m getting irritated with email and spam; simultaneously reading mail and opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.

I’m not a gossip; I just have a great sense of rumour.

I’m not convinced those cardboard policemen are cut out for the job.

I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I’m on a roll. It’s cheese and tomato, but I don’t know who put it on the chair.

I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.

I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.

I’m supercilious today; that’s like normal cilious, but I’m also wearing a cape.

I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.

I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.

I’m thinking of setting up a family tracing service, but I can’t find a large enough sheet of translucent paper.

I’m ticked off with checklists that won’t let you work outside the box.

I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.

I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.

I’m up to my neck in it today, but then I’ve never gone without a shirt even when it’s hot…

I’m very concerned about an old well in our back garden; it’s not a tall well.

I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’m wondering if I could scrape a living as an archaeologist. Perhaps I’ll dig out my CV.

I’m writing salad puns; if anyone knows a good one please lettuce know.

I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.

I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.

I’ve always been edgy, but as I get older, and rounder, my edges no longer appear to have an edge to them…

I’ve always been interested in the history of millinery, but it’s a bit old hat now.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’ve been checking out those ‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ lists and not one of them has ‘Shout for help’.

I’ve been finding my feet today. Oh look, there they are again!

I’ve been getting contractions all morning; it started with isn’t, then can’t and now I’ve just had a couple of don’ts.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

I’ve been itching to study flea bites, but I don’t want to start from scratch.

I’ve been obsessing over a broken handle today; I need to get a grip.

I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.

I’ve been online for hours today; so now all the washing is hanging up to dry I can get back to the internet.

I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.

I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.

I’ve been setting the record straight today. The needle skips tracks if the record isn’t straight.

I’ve been shopping for a pair of pear paring knives, but only found one.

I’ve been short-changed at a yard sale; I only got 35 inches.

I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.

I’ve been thinking outside of the box and decided on cremation.

I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.

I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I’m worried about having the wool pulled over my eyes.

I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.

I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.

I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.

I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.

I’ve had a parcel delivered. Although I never did find out how the liver got into the parcel.

I’ve had a protracted conversation with a neighbour, but dropped the protractor. Now it’s scratched.

I’ve had my milk chocolate sailing boat converted to dark chocolate; it’s all plain sailing now.

I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.

I’ve never been backward at coming forward in awkward parking spaces.

I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.

I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I’ve reported my triangular luggage as stolen; the Police tell me that it’s a case without parallel.

I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.

I’ve split my feather quilt and now I’m feeling down.

I’ve taken another re-sit. It was a huge improvement; I didn’t fall off this time.

I’ve taken this barometer into four pubs so far; I think it’s broken.

I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.

I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.

If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

If doctors self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?

If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?

If I had an irrational fear of bridges, how would I get over it?

If I hadn’t had fillet mignon last night, it would have been a missed steak.

If I tweet about bacteria, will you all help it to go viral?

If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

If you can’t decide whether to buy a telepathic abacus as a Christmas gift, just remember it’s the thought that counts.

If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?

If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?

If you make allegations about crocodile tears, does that make you the alligator?

If you take a ballet degree, are you guaranteed to graduate with at least a tutu?

If you’re into bondage, it’s vital to have a partner you can truss completely.

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

Impotence just means no hard feelings.

In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.

In chemistry labs on casual Fridays, formaldehyde turns into spontaneousdehyde.

In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.

In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.

Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.

Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?

Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?

Is ketchup like spring water; bottled at sauce?

Is there any truth in the old saying ‘Absinthe makes the fart grow longer’?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

It’s always good to have a fresh pair of eyes. Slightly disappointed they weren’t from the same donor though.

It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.

It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.

It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?

It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.

Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.

Just had a watershed moment. The shed roof is leaking.

Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention.

Just heard someone say their supply of ice is running dry. Our ice only ever runs wet.

Just saw a shepherd handing out hard boiled sweet mints for Christmas. Baa humbug.

L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

Look where you’re going! That was just a heads up.

Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.

Lying through your teeth is still an option with dentures, as long as you keep them in.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My blog has a new ‘subscriber’; he’s a calligrapher and he paints signs on submarines.

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.

My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

My hairdresser gave me a Roman cut; she used a pair of Caesars.

My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.

My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.

My nail and hammer mishap stands out like a sore thumb.

My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

My punning is worse as I get older; does that mean I’ve groan-up?

My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.

Nothing goes to waste, it all goes to waist.

Not impressed with this new ‘Soothing Apricot Toner’. The apricot I tested it on is neither soothed nor toned, and it tastes revolting.

Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.

Oceanographers don’t like to be tide up.

On my bucket list I have an iron pail, three household buckets and a small plastic beach bucket for making sand castles.

On my last hospital visit I signed a doctor’s organ donation form, now there’s a man after my own heart.

On the one hand the weather is wet for June, but on the other hand I have a broken nail.

Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.

One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.

Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.

Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.

Our cat doesn’t like lemon; what a sourpuss.

Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Our dentist is conflicted; he’s cheerful, but he always looks down in the mouth.

Our dining room lights are too bright for eating Chinese takeaway meals; we have to dim sum.

Our milkman is legend dairy.

Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.

Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.

Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.

People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost and couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

People say love is blind, but I can’t see it myself.

People travelling to Australia from Britain are having their world turned upside down.

Perfume is scent everywhere by post.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens and ducks; a decidedly poultry list composed entirely of fowl language.

Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.

Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, but only if you exorcise regularly.

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

Pricked myself on a needle again. I just don’t see the point.

Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?

Queen Elizabeth was in Wales on the ‘second leg’ of her Diamond Jubilee tour; presumably the ‘third leg’ was the Isle of Man?

Reading the dictionary is tiring; by the time you reach the end it’s zzzzzzz…

Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.

Saw a spoonbill today. That’s the last time I buy cutlery in a hurry.

Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?

Should I complain about this pressure cooker not working properly, or should I just keep a lid on it?

‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.

Snakes are measured in inches as there are no feet.

Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.

Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!

Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.

Some strange times are afoot, well, 30 centimetres.

Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.

Soya milk. Didn’t see mine though; has anyone else seen it?

Spent a lot of time sole searching today. Eventually managed to prise the stone out.

Staring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes and writing paper.

Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.

Surfers Against Sewage is a campaign against the blight of plastic pollution in our oceans. Also, their title works on more than one level…

Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.

The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.

The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.

The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

The letters A, E, and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

The Met Office are issuing a yellow warning for snow in some areas; whatever you do, AVOID THE YELLOW SNOW!

The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… and bugs, and the dark, and strangers, and hairs in food, and pigeons, and door knobs…

The Queen doesn’t appear to do much when she launches a ship, surely someone in her position should really push the boat out.

The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

The trouble with masturbation jokes is that they can rub people up the wrong way.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but Sellotape won’t stick to the carrot, or the cat…

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

There are holes in our chest of drawers; I suspect they’ve been rifled.

There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.

There’s a fine line between

and humour
And I’ve no idea where it is :^)

There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?

They pulled the wool over my eyes once too often; I’ve exchanged the item for cotton.

Thinking outside of the box didn’t really help Schrödinger’s cat.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, although the pot of toads is slightly unpleasant.

This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.

This sentence has absolutely no odour; it’s complete non scents.

Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.

Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.

Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.

TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

Vicious mathematicians shouldn’t work in dreadful pubs; vile inns never solved anything.

Visited an origami display that went terribly wrong; the whole thing unfolded right in front of us.

Visited the local health centre to show my support today. No one was willing to have a look at it.

Vive la différence, as the Dutch say. When they’re speaking French.

WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.

Watched the test match today. It lit first time.

Well that’s very disappointing. Apparently, fasting has nothing to do with the speed that you eat.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

What a fantastic start to the day; I went into another room and actually remembered why…

What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?

When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?

When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.

When the first speaker took the floor I was left balancing precariously on a joist.

When William the Conqueror visited Nottingham Castle, he had pizza delivered and told them to change the keep.

When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?

Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.

Whenever I update my iPhone I get that terrible syncing feeling.

Where can I borrow a dictionary? I only need it for a short spell.

Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.

Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye.”

Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?

Why would you rest on your laurels? I once had laurels in the garden; they were extremely uncomfortable to rest on.

Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess opening the last can.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.

You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.

You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…

Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.


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