A big selection of short jokes

‘Do not touch’ must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

“Dad, can I have another glass of water please?” ~ “But I’ve given you 10 already!” ~ “Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!”

“What are you doing in that wardrobe?” ~ “Narnia business!”

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. I back up my rage with documented facts and sources.” ~ The Credible Hulk

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

A bow and quiver are both required for archery, but they are also instructions for what to do if someone aims at you.

A burglar fell into a cement mixer and became a hardened criminal.

A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.

A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.

A cartoonist has been found dead, but the details are sketchy.

A cattle farmer near us counts his heard with a cowculator.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks “Euripides?” The professor replies “Yes. Eumenides?”

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

A couple started to drift apart after they bought a water bed.

A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.

A double negative forms a positive, but apparently there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right.

A farmer asked his new farm hand if he’d shoed a horse before. The farm hand replies “No, but I once told a donkey to piss off”.

A farmer has a herd of 200 cattle; he thought there were only 197 until he rounded them up.

A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.

A friend lost his left arm and left leg in an accident; he’s all right now.

A friend of mine ran into a sieve, but he just strained himself.

A friend of mine was a brick layer before he went to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.

A friend once dated a very peculiar whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A friend told me about an acquaintance who employs a butler with a missing left arm; serves him right.

A friend’s dog managed to swallow a few coins; he’s keeping his eye on it, but says there’s no change yet.

A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.

A hospital has described the condition of a man who swallowed six plastic toy horses as stable.

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.

A kitchen explosion in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.

A man goes into a library and says ”Fish and chips please””This is a library!” said the librarian. So the man whispers back ”Sorry, fish and chips please”.

A man just threw milk at me. How dairy!

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale; apparently he was a heroine addict.

A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a Shih Tzu.

A man, who dreamt he was a wheel on a car and then a catalytic converter, woke up tired and exhausted.

A neighbour is in the Guinness Book of Records for the most concussions; he only lives a stones throw away.

A new scientific study has revealed that if your parents didn’t have children, neither will you.

A noun and a verb were seeing each other, but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

A paediatrician is usually a doctor with very little patients.

A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A Pepsi executive has been fired; he tested positive for Coke.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.

A police officer who arrested a judge dressed like a convict for a costume party had never learned to book a judge by their cover.

A police station toilet has been stolen; officers have nothing to go on.

A really bad impressionist walked into a bar and the barman said: “Why the wrong face?”

A relative ate wheat even though he was allergic to it; he was a gluten for punishment.

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says “You know the drill, don’t you?”

A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.

A shoe factory has burnt down; two hundred soles were lost.

A stonemason who misspells a word on a gravestone is engrave trouble.

A teacher had to go for an eye test because he couldn’t control his pupils.

A tomato family went for a walk. The youngest tomato lagged behind, so the others went back, squashed it, and shouted “Ketchup!”

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A truck delivering cheese from France has exploded; there was nothing left but de Brie.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.

A vandalised Chinese restaurant was an act of wonton destruction.

A Vicar and a Buddhist are having toast when an image of Jesus appears in the margarine; the Buddhist says “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.

According to Santa’s lawyer, all of his little helpers are subordinate clauses.

According to the Automobile Association, the A3 and A4 are both stationery.

After many attempts a scientist successfully cloned his own genes; he was so thrilled, he was beside himself.

After waiting ages for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.

All owl puns are terrible; says who?

Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.

Always be kind to your dentist; they have fillings too.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks; the nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…

An owl fell in love with two comedians and had two wits to woo.

An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.

And the award for incomplete tweets goes to

Another washday and another sad statistic; the divorce rate among our socks is shocking.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Apparently bread is quite dangerous; over 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Apparently it’s illegal to have indentured servants, so I’ve had to confiscate the butler’s false teeth.

Apparently sheep can help you to fall asleep, and some people count on that.

Apparently the main ingredient in anti-bacterial hand wash is paranoia.

Archaeologists are in a legal battle about how they can get to a Bronze Age village, but they expect reach a settlement.

Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange, or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Aren’t people annoying when they use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

As a waiter I was put in charge of the condiments, but I couldn’t cut the mustard.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”

ASCII stupid question and get a stupid ANSI.

At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.

At the last appointment my doctor said he would have to draw some blood, but unfortunately his sketch pad was full.

Autocorrect is always making me post things I didn’t Nintendo.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.

Before I met my wife I was single by choice. Unfortunately not by my choice.

Black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to avoid the snoring.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

Buses stop at a bus station, trains stop at a train station; now I’m concerned about my work station.

By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.

Can February March? No, but April May.

Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol can double your vision.

Cat pilot: “If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. Please bat them with your paws.”

Change is inevitable; except from vending machines.

Children can play hopscotch almost anywhere, but my drive is where I draw the line.

Cinderella was a keen soccer player, but she was kicked off the team because she ran away from the ball.

Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed; nail biters might want to consider the new business venture possibilities here.

Come to the nerd side; we have pi.

Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!

Cows wear cowbells because their horns don’t work.

Dance like no one is watching. Because they aren’t, they’re checking their phones.

Death, War, Famine and Pestilence all caught a cold; they were the Four Hoarse Men of the Apocalypse.

Did Pharaohs like wrap music?

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

Did you know that owls can’t breed in the rain? It’s too wet to woo.

Did you know there are interstate highways in Hawaii?

Do all sheep look alike, or is it shear coincidence?

Do ambassadors stay healthy because of diplomatic immunity?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?

Do I have to seize the day; can’t I just poke it gently with a stick?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do you know how duvets are insulated? They’re down loaded.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Do you measure Lego mini-figure foot size in square feet?

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

Does anyone else think dry erase boards are remarkable?

Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.

Don’t be tempted by cheap hair removal offers; they’re a rip-off.

Don’t read a pop-up book about giraffes unless you wear glasses.

Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition, but it was only much later that he realised he had misunderstood the objective.

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. “Come on” said the barman “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.

Due to indigestion, I’m having a little whine with this cheese.

During a game of Monopoly the Boot and the Car met by Chance.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

English is an odd language; it can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

Escalators don’t break down; they just turn into stairs.

Every morning I decide to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them…

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

Everywhere is in walking distance, if you have the time.

Expensive laxatives always give you a good run for your money.

Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on our door; our plumber has an odd sense of humour.

Fish take their holidays in Finland.

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.

Forklift truck drivers don’t like puns; they find them unpalletable.

Fortune tellers are very easy to buy clothes for; they’re all mediums.

Friends are like penguins. If you push them hard enough they fall over.

Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.

German no-frills supermarkets are taking over the country Lidl by Lidl, but Aldi you stop it?

Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.

Give a hungry man a science textbook and he will eat Faraday.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

God was tired after making a 24 hour period, so he decided to call it a day.

Good grief; I looked through a gym window and someone had put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder on a treadmill!

Good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep-pan, crisp and even.

Grammar Nazis are now calling themselves the alt-write.

Grammarians are never late; they’re always very punctual.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere.

Heard about the dating agency for chickens that went bust? Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.

Hell is wallpapered with all our deleted selfies.

Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.

House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

How can you tell when an economist is lying? Their lips are moving.

How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.

How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

How do you make a Care Bear drink? Put it in the blender.

How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.

How do you spot a Finnish extrovert? They look at somebody else’s shoes.

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot…

How does a Dalek keep its skin soft? EXFOLIATE!

How does a lion like his meat? ROAR!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

I always have toast for breakfast because I’m lack-toast intolerant.

I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.

I answered the phone today and heard lots of sniffing and sneezing; cold callers can be so annoying.

I apologise; I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath. I stand corrected.

I asked a horse if he had a dollar. He replied “No, but I have fore quarters.”

I asked a marine archaeologist if he’d ever found a pirate ship. He said he’d never found a whole one, but he had found pieces of eight.

I asked my boss “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” He said “Just pop it in the corner.” It took me three hours.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I bought a birthday card shaped like a boomerang; it said ‘Many Happy Returns’.

I bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday; it was a huge mistake.

I bought eight legs of venison for £40; is that two deer?

I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines; I have back issues.

I can’t choose between silver and gold; it could be either ore.

I can’t count how many times I failed maths at school.

I can’t cook, because insects have plundered my pantry. My ingredients are in greedy ants.

I can’t resist slapping giggling spiritualists in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium.

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seat belt on, but then it clicked.

I couldn’t for the life of me remember how you throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I may also have grater problems.

I decided against a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I didn’t like metalwork classes at school; the first thing I did was to make a bolt for the door.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig… It’s not a very good poem but it’s very deep.

I don’t believe in re-incarnation, although I did in a previous life.

I don’t like afternoon funerals, but I’m not really a mourning person either.

I don’t trust stairs; they’re always up to something.

I dyed some of my hair today; it was the highlight of my week.

I entered the world crowbar championships this year. First prise!

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

I found the key to success once, but I think someone changed the lock.

I got off to a bad start with our new cat, so to make things right I had start from scratch.

I had a bat and ball for Christmas. The ball’s fun, but the bat just hangs upside down in the cellar.

I had a very happy childhood. Dad loved to put me inside a tyre and roll me downhill. Those were the good years.

I had a Wookie steak in a restaurant last night; it was a little Chewy.

I had this one night stand, but felt so bad about it first thing the next day I went out and bought one for the other side of the bed too.

I had to request a different room in a recent hotel stay; I couldn’t find 404.

I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I have a great pun about a cow that fell off a tall building; it’s ledge end dairy.

I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.

I have a portable stereo that looks like a large cake; it’s a gateaux blaster.

I have all my meals on an aircraft since my doctor suggested I stick to a plane diet.

I have all the money that I’ll ever need; as long as I die by 4pm today.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

I imagine snooker players never get tired of receiving potted plants at Christmas.

I intend to get Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

I intended making a John F Kennedy jelly mould today, but I didn’t want to set a president.

I intended to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but my wife said “You can’t be Sirius.”

I intended to have a clock for lunch, but it was too time consuming.

I just bought a new universal remote controller. This really changes everything.

I just bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I have a nap.

I just watched a pirated movie; it got 3.14 stars.

I know most of the alphabet, but I don’t know y.

I know multitasking is a myth, but I can still waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.

I know the name of every turtle. I have turtle recall.

I love the way the Earth rotates; it really makes my day.

I make up apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.

I normally have no problem with dairy, but I’m extremely lack toast intolerant at breakfast time.

I often say no to chocolate, but it just doesn’t listen.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith; when I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I once did my maths homework in a lift. It was wrong on so many levels.

I once got stuck in a glue factory.

I once had a job delivering telegrams, but I had to [STOP].

I once had a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon; I’ll let you know.

I ordered a jumbo sausage at our chip shop, but they said it wouldn’t be long, so I asked for two.

I phoned SeaWorld the other day. They told me “Your call may be monitored for training porpoises.”

I play a fluorescent triangle really well. I apologise for the gloating.

I put on some lipstick today, but I can still move my lips.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.

I really can’t speak highly enough about helium balloons.

I refused to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.

I saw a policewoman using a taser recently; she was stunning.

I saw a sign that said ‘Falling Rocks’. I tried, and it doesn’t.

I saw a skunk fall into a river once; it stank to the bottom.

I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.

I saw an exceptionally good scarecrow; it was out standing in its field.

I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.

I see someone is finally making a film called ‘Clocks’. It’s about time.

I shot someone with a paintball gun just to watch them dye.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

I thought I might learn Braille, but it’s a bit of a touchy subject.

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre, but it was hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.

I thought I’d be okay without a spine, but it’s holding me up.

I thought I’d be sad when my torch batteries died, but I was delighted.

I thought I’d grow some herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing ‘I’m A Believer’. Then I saw her face.

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish.

I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point.

I tried to eat my watch, but it was too time consuming.

I tried to make a belt out of herbs, but it was a waist of thyme.

I tried to make a belt out of old magazines, but it was a waist of paper.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.

I tried wearing a Malaysian dress, but it was sarong size.

I try to avoid funerals; I’m not really a mourning person.

I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

I used to break into song because I couldn’t find the key.

I used to eat donuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

I used to enjoy going to fancy dress parties as a fish, but it’s wearing a little fin now.

I used to fix computers, but IT’s all behind me now.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

I used to keep a torch on my hat, but it made me feel light headed.

I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job; every day I was tyred and exhausted.

I visited the chemists today and tiptoed past the sleeping pills.

I walked by the fridge last night, thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just chives talkin.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.

I was going to do a pun about a sick bird, but it’s ill eagle.

I was going to procrastinate now, but I’ve decided to do it later.

I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.

I was hesitant when I adopted my first moss, but it took a real lichen to me.

I was taken ill at the airport; it was serious, but not terminal.

I was tempted to post a cannibal joke, but I realised it was in bad taste.

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

I was thinking about making a comeback, but I haven’t been anywhere.

I was thinking about word play on video-games, but no pun Nintendo’d.

I was thinking of adding a ham joint to this soup, but I’m not really into ad hoc meals.

I was walking the dogs the other day when they vanished into thin air. I’m not sure where they went, but I’ve got some leads.

I watched a TV drama yesterday about a house with a tiny garden; there wasn’t much of a plot.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.

I went to a night club and the manager sat me next to a hole in the carpet so I could see the floor show.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal; it was a Shih Tzu.

I woke up this morning with a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag on my nose and milk in my right ear; I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I wonder which is best; Google or Bing? I might have to Google it.

I wrote a song for a tortilla. Well, it’s more of a wrap.

I wrote a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.

I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

I’m a graphic designer by day and dragon slayer by knight.

I’m a light eater; as soon as it gets light I start eating.

I’m a social vegetarian; I try to avoid meet.

I’m almost certain that my spell Czech is broken.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

I’m eating a bun filled with ham and pineapple; that’s just Hawaii roll.

I’m not a fan of lemon preserve; it’s just a curd to me.

I’m not telling my wife I’ve just eaten some glue; my lips are sealed.

I’m okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.

I’m really addicted to Spanish-Arab architecture; it’s just so Moorish.

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I’m trying to eat more greens, so I’m now on a new dye it.

I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.

I’ve always found that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

I’ve attached a clock to a mirror; now I have time for reflection.

I’ve been banned from our local hardware store for stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

I’ve been bread making. The white and wholemeal loaves were a great success; now I’m on a roll.

I’ve been feeling down in the mouth since my feather pillow split.

I’ve been fired from my job at the zoo for lining up all the animals in order of height. Apparently they didn’t like me critter sizing the zoo.

I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

I’ve damaged some small pieces of my chess set, so I took them to a pawn broker.

I’ve decided to put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

I’ve deleted all the Germans off my mobile; it’s now hans free.

I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel.

I’ve given up spell check for Lint.

I’ve just been given a framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; I can’t get the damn thing to hang straight.

I’ve just been to our local goose showroom; I only went for a gander.

I’ve just bought a three season bed; there’s no spring.

I’ve just broken a window, but I felt no pane.

I’ve just realised; the dawn chorus involves an awful lot of RTs.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

I’ve removed all the rear-view mirrors in my car and haven’t looked back since.

I’ve seen a magician being interviewed, but they refused to answer any trick questions.

I’ve stopped gluing Formica to mdf board; it was counterproductive.

I’ve washed a set of hand bells, but I can’t wring them out.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

If a mime is arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?

If a polygamist has already married nine times, will his next marriage mean he is decimated?

If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.

If a spider lives in a maize field, does it make cob webs?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a tortoise doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

If aristocrats have difficulty walking, do they get nobility scooters?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.

If at first you don’t succeed, try at least two more times, so that your failure is statistically significant.

If carrots are good for your eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the road?

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.

If I had to describe myself with three words they would be “I’m really bad at maths.”

If the judge loves the sound of their own voice, you should expect a long sentence.

If you ate a lifetime’s supply of chocolate in one day, should you be worried?

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?

If you divide the diameter of a jack-o’-lantern by its circumference, do you get pumpkin Pi?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you dream that you’re writing The Lord of the Rings, are you just Tolkien in your sleep?

If you ever feel as though your job is meaningless, just remember; it’s someone’s job to fit indicators to BMW’s.

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout “Hi Jack!”

If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected the expected?

If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you press the lift button at least three times it goes into urgent mode and arrives much faster…

If you rearrange the letters of ‘Postmen’, they get very annoyed.

If you say ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘oranges’.

If you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.

If you’re injured by a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

If you’re tempted to fight fire with fire, just remember that the Fire Service often uses water.

In a bookshop
SHOPPER: “I’d like a copy of Hugh Laurie’s autobiography please”
SALES PERSON: “Would you like Fry’s with that?”

In a Chinese geography test Peking is no longer allowed.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

In France they love rabbit puns; apparently they’re lapin it up.

In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.

Intelligence is like underwear; it’s important to have it, but not to show it off.

Interesting, my new keyboard has a safety notice: WARNING Using this keyboard may cause drowsi

Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.

Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?

Is it right that only one company makes the board game Monopoly?

Is it still called skinny-dipping if you’re no longer skinny?

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

It doesn’t matter how kind you are, German children are always kinder.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he had a great fall.

It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.

It’s an old one, but have you all seen the Christmas alphabet? ► ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s better to love a short person than not a tall.

It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

Italian chefs haven’t died; they’ve just pasta way.

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.

Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.

Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

Last night I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor; at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Last night I was so drunk I took the bus home. I’ve never driven a bus before.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention; I laughed more than I thought.

Learn to laugh at your own problems; everyone else does.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a hell of a lot easier than putting it back in.

Life is all about perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

Lightning always shocks people, because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.

Lollipop men and women make me cross.

Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal work; he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Mary had a little lamb, and then she had some dessert.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

Maths teachers call retirement the aftermath.

Men never really grow up; it’s just that some of us learn how to act in public. Sometimes.

Might buy the book ‘How to Make a Tornado’ by New Scientist; I’m hoping there will be a good twist at the end.

Money isn’t everything, but it does keep the children in touch.

Money talks. The trouble is, it only knows one word; goodbye.

Most money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.

Most people hate carrying heavy luggage. I rest my case.

Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.

Mountains aren’t just funny; they are hill areas.

Music makes every day better. Especially if you turn it up loud enough to drown out everyone around you.

My Aunt is a flamboyant nun. She wears clerical clothing studded with semiprecious stones; it’s an expensive habit.

My childhood friends were paid for being good, but we were so poor that I was good for nothing.

My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

My dog, Minton, ate some shuttlecocks the other day. Bad Minton.

My English teacher always told me that double negatives are a real no-no.

My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.

My friend gets quite violent if you give him sponge, jelly, fruit and cream for dessert. He’s not to be trifled with.

My friend left her gloves in a secluded cave, still, they were hermits.

My friend’s ex-wife was deaf and she left him for a deaf friend; to be honest, he should have seen the signs.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

My goal was to lose 14lbs this year, I’ve only 20lbs to go now…

My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him ‘till he suffocated.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

My leaf blower doesn’t work; it sucks.

My life is an open book, but it’s badly written and I die at the end.

My long-haired friend was fired from the hot dog stand for putting his hair in a bun.

My maths teacher called me average; that’s mean.

My mother just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

My neighbour couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist, so he was repossessed.

My neighbour’s dog is magic; it’s a Labracadabrador.

My new electric garden trimmers are cutting-hedge technology.

My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently this is now called identity theft…

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

My singing partner couldn’t make it last night; I had to duet alone.

My torch batteries need replacing; I’m delighted.

My wife and I are always laughing about how competitive we are. I laugh more though.

My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I passed her a glue stick by mistake and now she’s not talking to me.

My wife went to a well woman clinic. It was okay, but she didn’t like being winched in a bucket.

Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.

Necessity is the mother of Invention; we all have quite unusual names in our family.

Neptune’s son doesn’t do very well at school; his grades are all below C level.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.

No one knew my friend had dentures until it came out in conversation.

Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred in the sand which is in the desert.

Nothing ruins Friday more than realising that today is Tuesday.

Now I’m older, when I have a party my neighbours don’t even notice.

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two seem odd to me.

Oh dear, I just let my mind wander, but it hasn’t come back yet.

Okay, time for a quick pole: North or South?

On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

One arm butlers; they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

One day it’s the best thing since sliced bread, the next, it’s toast.

One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.

One of my ancestors tried prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.

Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.

Our dachshund has died; it met its end sniffing round a lamp post.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce; Police think that he topped himself.

Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it’s fully recovered.

Our vacuum cleaner doesn’t work, it’s just collecting dust.

Our Wi-Fi wasn’t working earlier, so I spent some time with my family; they seem like nice people.

Penultimate is my last but one favourite word.

People are making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

People in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

People think I’m too patronising… that means I talk down to people.

People who copy and paste jokes from Facebook are idiots.

Like • Comment • Share  A few seconds ago

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots; that would be stereotyping.

Peter Pan is useless at throwing punches; they Neverland.

PhotoTip – Don’t stand too close to other people in group photos; it makes it easier to crop them out later.

Pigs don’t like using the telephone when there’s crackling on the line.

Pinning things on a notice board always seems a bit tacky to me.

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

Police have been called to a nursery where a child was resisting a rest.

Police tried to catch a man stealing 50 helium balloons, but they had to let him go.

Postman: “Is this letter for you; the name is smudged?” Man: “No, it can’t be for me, my name’s Smith.”

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy.

Question of the day: what’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Question: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? Answer: A bear faced lyre.

Question: What is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark? Answer: A period, because it’s at the end of a sentence.

Quicksand always gives me a sinking feeling.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Rory McIlroy is getting new golf shoes, because he had a hole in one.

Russian dolls can be so annoying; they are just so full of themselves.

Seagulls live near the sea because if they lived near a bay, they’d be bagels.

Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.

Small boats are very vulnerable to pier pressure.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

Some cultures consider swallowing and expelling a fountain pen a write of passage.

Some people think I’m addicted to somersaults, but that’s just how I roll.

Some things are so easy today; as a youngster I had to struggle through 10 feet of shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.

Someone has been pestering me with bird puns, but toucan play that game.

Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Someone knocked on our door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; apparently a glass of water isn’t acceptable.

Someone ripped pages from both ends of my dictionary; it just goes from Bad to Worse.

Sometimes, from time to time, every so often, occasionally, now and then, once in a while, I wish I’d not been given this thesaurus.

Son: “Dad, can I go to the bathroom?” ~ Dad: “MAY I go to the bathroom?” ~ Son: “But I asked first!”

SpellingRule – I before E, except after C… and also when you heinously seize your weird foreign neighbour’s feisty beige heifer.

Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.

Stealing cars from a multi storey car park is wrong on so many levels.

Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, stealing from many people is research.

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

Successful jewel thieves usually have a good ring leader.

Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.

Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.

Surely it ought to be possible to achieve at least one giggle out of every ten word plays? No pun in ten did.

Tall people sleep longer in bed.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Telepath wanted; you know where to apply.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar…
“Round?”
“Round?”
“Get a round”
“I get a round, yeah?”
“Get a round!”
“Round, round, I get a round…”
“FFS!”

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s plaster cast.

The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.

The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.

The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.

The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.

The boy cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.

The boy stood on the burning deck; it was the only way he could put out the flames on his pack of cards.

The Canadian government has set up a lottery, only for people in the north. You have to be Inuit to win it.

The capacitor kissed the diode, because he just couldn’t resistor.

The correct way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to annoy you.

The counterfeiters knew the police were onto them but they decided to forge ahead anyway.

The debate about unmanned aircraft just keeps droning on.

The Dutchman with inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.

The first rule of Homophone Club is: ‘Yew dew knot torque a boat Homophone Club.’

The first rule of Introvert Club: there is no Introvert Club.

The first rule of the Culture Club is that you have to know how to calm a chameleon.

The first rule of the Railway Enthusiasts Book Club is to not read between the lines.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

The human cannonball wanted to retire, but the circus owner couldn’t find a replacement of his calibre.

The inebriated optician only had two glasses before he made a spectacle of himself.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

The Italians are installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa; after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?

The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “Come in, you’ve got mail.”

The letter seven is my favourite colour of the periodic table of elephants.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

The local council offered me a refuse bin; I said no.

The local priest has been making the Sign of the Cross so often; he’s had to stop counting his blessings.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine yesterday is now fully recovered.

The new Elvis Presley themed steakhouses are for people who love meat tender.

The new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

The other day I gave my seat to a clown; I thought it was a nice jest chair.

The Pharaohs were the first people to start a pyramid scheme.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The problem with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

The secret to having fire in your relationship is finding the perfect match.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The Wi-Fi went down during our family dinner tonight, someone started talking and I’ve no idea who they are.

The Zen Master went up to the hot-dog stand and said; “Make me one with everything.”

There are days when I feel so old that, when I was a child, rainbows were in black and white.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.

There are two billiard balls in a pub. One says to the other: ”You’re round.”

There are two eggs in a frying pan. One says: ”Aaagh! It’s really hot in here!” The other says: ”Aaagh! A talking egg!”

There are two hats are on a hat stand. One says to the other ”You stay here and I’ll go on a head.”

There are two monkeys getting into the bath. One says: ”Ooh ooh ah ah ah ah!” The other says: ”Well put some cold in then!”

There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.

There’s been a terrible fire at the circus; it was in tents.

There’s been a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift; plate tectonics won by a land slide.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say revenge is sweet. Basically revenge is ice cream.

Things I hate:
1) Negativity
2) Irony
3) Lists

Think of a number between 1 and 20, add 32, multiply by 2 and add 1. Now close your eyes. Dark isn’t it?

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

To oceanographers, things are never bad, they’re abyss-mal.

To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many people is research.

Today went well until a seabird stole my German sausage; that was a tern for the wurst.

Tough, hard, durable… Sorry, I don’t usually use strong language.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.

Trees are always releafed when spring arrives.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house and your Wi-Fi connects automatically.

Turtles think frogs are homeless.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but sadly it was all in vein.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ”Does this taste funny to you?”

Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: ”Are you going to cross then?”  “No,” he says, “we’ll never hear the end of it.”

Two cows standing in a field, one says “Moooooooo”, the other says “Damn it, I was going to say that!”

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba dum tish!

Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!

Two fish swim into a wall. One turns to the other and says: “Dam”.

Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other “How do we drive this thing?”

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

Two horses are in a field on a cold winter’s night. One horse says to the other “I don’t know about you but I’m Friesian.”

Two men who stole a calendar got six months each.

Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.

Two psychiatrists pass each other; one says hello and the other one wonders what he meant by it.

Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make an aeroplane.

Two scientists studying fungi and algae became friends after they took a lichen to each other.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your kind in here” says the bartender. A yoghurt asks “Why not, we’re cultured.”

US scientists are hoping to make a quick buck by combining deer and greyhound DNA.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

WARNING: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

We have a very stylish gardener; the previous one was too rough around the hedges.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

We’ve just bought a new fridge; you should have seen my face light up when I opened it.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Weetabix was called Betabix while it was in its production stage.

Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite recently; it was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked 7up.

What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? “Halloumi!”

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? “Shoe!”

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school? … ”Bison”.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye Matey.”

What did the Spanish fireman call his sons? Jose and Hose B.

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? “Philately will get you nowhere.”

What did the zero say to the number eight? “Nice belt.”

What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Identical middle names.

What do we want?  A cure for pyromania!  When do we want it?  Got a light?

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

What do you call a camel with three humps?  Humphrey…

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polyunsaturated.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic.

What do you call a snowman with sunburn? A puddle.

What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows.

What do you call Dracula when he has hay fever? The pollen Count.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

What do you call twin policemen? Copies.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

What do you do with a sick ship? Take it to the docks.

What do you get if you cross a canary with a mole? A mynah bird.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino…

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?

What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What’s an ig? ~ An Inuit home without a loo.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irrelephant.

What’s loud and sounds like apples? APPLES!

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’?

What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause.

What’s the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s a little lighter.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rained down…

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What’s the difference between weather and climate? You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate…

What’s white and can’t climb trees? A refrigerator.

Whatever you do, don’t type ‘part a’ backwards; it’s a trap!

When cave men got together they formed clubs.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

When I found out that my microwave wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

When I was learning to ride a horse I had trouble dismounting, so the tutor derided me.

When I’m watching a film, I usually eat popcorn, but if it’s a horror film, ice cream.

When it comes to dictionaries, everyone is past caring.

When jousters were made redundant in the middle ages, they had to freelance.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.

When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.

When police officers get cold they go undercover.

When psychiatrists give presents, are they always shrink wrapped?

When spring finally came the excited farmer wet his plants.

When the cannibal arrived late for the celebration meal, they gave him the cold shoulder.

When the queen starts a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.

When two weather presenters each broke both legs, they had problems with their four casts…

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?

Which is worse; ignorance or apathy? Who knows! Who cares!

Who does a Pharaoh talk to when he’s upset? His mummy.

Who said nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

Why are pirates called pirates? They just AarrRR!

Why are tenors like pirates? Because they’re both murder on the high C’s.

Why are there fences around cemeteries; are people dying to get in?

Why buy something for £3 when you can make it yourself with £65 worth of craft materials?

Why can’t fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

Why can’t pirates recite the letters of the alphabet? Because they always get lost at C…

Why can’t you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.

Why couldn’t Count Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Why did cowboys always die with their boots on? So they wouldn’t stub their toes when they kicked the bucket.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the Dalek cross the road? To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. It’s a tough job, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He was a Nobel Prize winner.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Why does ‘smiles’ hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary? Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)

Why don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Why is a good book called a page turner: surely that’s the minimum requirement of any book?

Why is gridlocked traffic called rush hour?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of everything outside?

Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?

Why isn’t a group of squids called a squad?

Why wouldn’t the prawn share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

Will you buy me chocolate? (A) Yes – (B) A – (C) B

With the application of sufficient thrust pigs fly really well.

Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Would someone please explain the word ‘many’; it means a lot to me.

Would you be in Seine if you jumped off a bridge in Paris?

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

Yesterday I fell from a 10 metre ladder; fortunately I was on the second step.

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a very large predator with big teeth.

You shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils, unless it’s a whisk you’re willing to take.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians. Everyone.

You’re stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

BACK TO THE INDEX OF JOKES

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