Staring at the back of a monitor is pointless; always look on the bright side.
I used to live next to a very quiet tennis equipment manufacturer, I was lucky; normally they made a racket.
Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.
It’s not middle age spread; it’s just that my genes don’t fit properly.
I used to enjoy working in a mattress factory, except at spring time.
My shoe came off and I dropped a fondant fancy; now I’m footloose and fancy free.
Take life one day at a time, but always take chocolates two at a time.
I had a flat in the hilly part of Nottingham, before that I had a flat in the flat part, now I’m in the hilly part, but I don’t have a flat.
Has anyone found out what Larry is so happy about?
I don’t adhere to the belief that super glue is a bonding experience; there’s no resin for it, so it’s a complete paste of time.
According to the UK weather map this morning; people on the west coast of Wales will need a Cardigan.
Never mind the horse meat saga; rumour has it that moussaka contains no mouse and ratatouille is rodent free.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but my parents never received an apology from the hospital.
A friend kindly passed me their salt cellar without turning around; but it may have been a backhanded condiment.
I’m itching to visit a Flea Market.
Lunchtime, and I’ve just found out that my horseradish sauce has beef in it.
I’m so angry someone put soap in my drink I’m foaming at the mouth.
Fit as a fiddle, viable as a violin, chilled as a cello and deep as a double bass, but there are strings attached.
I might have eaten something that’s past its best; I just have this gut feeling.
I’m a DAB hand at tuning my radio in.
Prince Charles is constantly referred to as heir apparent, but surely his hairline is no one else’s business?
I remember important dates, such as 1066, but the rest are history.
A friend who empties cesspits with a truck was involved in a road accident, he wasn’t injured, but he had a terrible freight.
I invested in a paper aeroplane company, but it folded.
I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.
A mystic set up a divinatory card reading business for cattle and it failed miserably; it was a Tarot bull way to go.
TV news showed radioactive bullocks resting in the sun near the Fukushima nuclear plant; is this an example of glow bull warming?
I tried to set up a unique Déjà Vu Travel Company, but the focus group said they had seen it all before.
I have such a large vinyl record collection that I’ve barely scratched the surface.
140 characters are perfect; if Twitter had 144 that would be gross.
When a race takes place in Finland, what is the Finish line called?
The Grim Reaper’s hairstylist has just had a brush with death.
I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.
Soaking for too long in the bath really creases me up.
My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.
Why do we spend the first few years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next decade telling them to sit down and shut up?
Sheep rustling? What would make sheep rustle; tin foil, taffeta, newspaper, gift wrap?
Just bought a large block of cheddar; some grate times ahead.
Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons #MyAtomsHaveExtraMorons
I’ve been on the edge of my seat all evening. I should move the cat really, but he looks so comfortable.
I have a tortuous joke about marathons, but it won’t fit on Twitter; it’s a long running gag.
A cattle farmer has had to withdraw from a marathon due to a calf injury.
I’m thinking of setting up a business selling sesame seeds; it might open a few doors.
I’ve been trying on very expensive pullovers, but at these prices I think I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes.
Following floods, headlines often announce problems with ‘raw sewage’, but what if it was properly cooked?
If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?
Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; that’s a real eye-opener.
You know that slightly desperate feeling you get when you have to look at the second page of Google answers…
Please Note ► People making Schrödinger’s cat jokes today will be regarded as ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ by the Joke Regulator.
If you had a blind date with an optician, would you make a spectacle of yourself?
I think I’ve lost an electron; you’ve really got to keep an ion them.
How do headphones tie themselves in knots when you’re not looking?
When I kicked the bucket my toe hurt so much I could have died.
I’m so Hungary Iran to the fridge to Czech for Turkey, but Norway I could eat it with all that Greece. Now I’m Russian out for a Danish.
A scheme has been launched to find out what makes a good timepiece, so far the search has gone like clockwork.
13 out of 12 people don’t know what a baker’s dozen is.
A message keeps displaying on our TV; ‘No Signal’, but we use Colgate anyway.
I have class written all over me; fortunately it wasn’t a permanent ink marker.
Sales of adult diapers have decreased on islands and increased in continents.
Phone reception was terrible in Yorkshire; although one day next to a field of sheep I did get up to three baas.
I watched Walt Disney being interviewed once; he was very animated.
I love dictionaries; they add meaning to everything.
How do cutlery manufacturers manage when they can only get forklift trucks?
WARNING: If someone sends you a link to the new Justin Bieber single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to the new Justin Bieber single.
Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.
It’s late and I just put the cat out. I’ve still no idea how he caught fire.
L M N ► Tree ► May ► Deer ► What’s On
‘Sink your iPhone’ is an expensive typo.
I entered a jazz hands competition and won hands down.
I played cricket last week and lost. I’d no idea they could jump that high.
I stopped at a fork in the road, but quickly moved on; what I really needed was a spoon.
Whenever I attend a word play seminar I have a punini for lunch.
If my salary was paid in sodium chloride, I’d salt it away in the cellar.
I tried following my dreams, but I fell off the bed.
I intended to start the day with a clean slate, but when it came down to it I opted for traditional crockery.
I’ve upgraded my old analogue digits to digital digits. My wedding ring doesn’t fit as well though.
I can’t find my mouse pointer. Mind you, I’ve only conducted a cursory search.