I want to learn how to make ice-cream, so I’m going to sundae school.
On the stock exchange today, helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.
Why did the biscuit cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.
When police officers get cold they go undercover.
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
Trainee pilots are nervous because their future is always up in the air.
I’d quite like to be a millionaire just like my dad; he always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I saw someone on the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!” You have to laugh; that shark’s never going to help him.
Sunglasses are a bit like Facebook; you can stare at people without getting caught.
One tiny mistake can ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for; Tetris can be so damned annoying.
There’s a time and place for wasting your life away and this is it.
Don’t you just hate it when people use words that Google can’t find?
James Bond once slept right through an earthquake; he was shaken, not stirred.
I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.
Bakers with a sense of humour bake wry bread.
The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.
A car showroom used to smuggle cars into the country, until they were convicted of trafficking.
A dangerous new strain of bacteria has been found in packs of soft butter; and it spreads easily.
Three of my fingers are willing, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.
Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory.
Experience is great: it allows you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.
By the time you can make ends meet, somebody has moved the ends.
If everything seems to be going well, you have probably overlooked something.
Madness takes its toll; please have the exact change ready.
One good thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.
I always wanted to be a pharmacist, because I grew up on a pharm.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a baby horse and made a complete foal of myself.
Although he was afraid of mice, it didn’t keep him from eeking out a living at a pet store.
How do you make a whale float? A glass of soda, a scoop of ice cream and a whale.
An old gag: When the author of the hokey cokey died it was a nightmare getting him in the coffin; everytime they put his left leg in…
A French restaurant had five dishwashers; they were known as the kitchen cinq.
A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.
When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.
If anyone knows the shortest word in the English language containing the letters A, B, C, D, E and F, I’d welcome FEEDBACK.
Our cat did really well in the milk-drinking competition; he licked the competition and won by six laps.
I couldn’t make my mind up whether to set our scales to pounds or kilos, and then I decided either weigh would do.
The Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association has appointed a new spokes-person.
I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.
It’s always best to use teabags, as all proper tea is theft.
The knight walked into the blacksmith’s shop and the blacksmith said; “come in, you’ve got mail.”
A man walked into a bar and asked for a pitcher full of beer, so the bartender gave him a drunken baseball player.
Looking up at the stars tonight, I began to ask some profound questions like… “Where the hell is the shed roof?”
How do you get to Wales in a Mini; one in the back and one in the front.
How do you get two whales in a Mini; down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.
Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.
Women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
Gas powered aircraft were never successful; in strong winds the pilot used to go out.
Squirrels swim on their back to keep their nuts dry.
Drat, I forgot to go to the gym again today; that’s 42 years in a row now.
Coming soon, timepieces for astronauts; watch this space!
No one could play cards on the ark, because Noah sat on the deck.
I was going to tweet a really good joke about apathy, but I can’t be bothered.
My favourite outdoor activity is coming back inside.
Interesting; apparently you can go to the gym without mentioning in on Twitter or Facebook.
I’ve made my lawn chicken-proof; it’s impeccable.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Someone just told me I’m delusional! I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Is anyone else worried about that 0.01% of germs that can’t be killed?
Can you imagine the self control you’d need if you worked in a bubble wrap factory?
I never make the same mistake twice; four or five times usually covers it.
When one door closes another one opens; that’s yet another reason the car needs servicing.
How is it that in maths problems you can buy 75 cantaloupes and no one asks why?
If a racing driver’s wheel failed during a race, he’d have to re-tyre.
If you crossed a dog with a chicken, would you get pooched eggs?
If I download 1,000 puns from the Internet, I’d be well e-quipped.
A shepherd drove his flock of sheep through town and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.
An X-ray specialist married one of her patients and everyone wondered what she saw in him.
I’m trying to lose weight by going to the paint store; apparently you can get thinner there.
I have a huge peak on my baseball cap; it’s my supervisor.
If you had to choose between your partner and £1,000,000, what is the first thing you would buy?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
House training your dog might be a great idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.
What happens when sound advice falls upon deaf ears?
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. (This joke never grows old)
Make the little things count; teach maths to young children.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing; they just waved.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
As the shoe said to the hat; “You go on a head and I’ll follow on foot.”
I saw an enza virus outside; I opened the window and influenza.
A letter from NHS Blood and Transplant said I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
I know someone who’s addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Native Americans were the first people to arrive in the continent because they had reservations.
The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Does anyone know who Quasimodo is? It doesn’t ring any bells with me.
The book I published about failure has been a great success; it didn’t sell.
I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
My deafness has been cured; I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.
Do all sheep look alike, or is it shear coincidence?
Someone has been pestering me with bird puns, but toucan play that game.
I thought I’d be okay without a spine, but it’s holding me up.
I see someone is finally making a film called ‘Clocks’. It’s about time.
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
I make up apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.
I can’t count how many times I failed maths at school.
I thought I’d grow some herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.
Every morning I decide to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.
I saw a sign that said ‘Falling Rocks’. I tried, and it doesn’t.
I have all my meals on an aircraft since my doctor suggested I stick to a plane diet.
Most people hate carrying heavy luggage. I rest my case.
I intend to get Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
Our vacuum cleaner doesn’t work, it’s just collecting dust.
Would someone please explain the word ‘many’; it means a lot to me.
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.
I tried to make a belt out of herbs, but it was a waist of thyme.
I tried to make a belt out of old magazines, but it was a waist of paper.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I may also have grater problems.
I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
I shot someone with a paintball gun just to watch them dye.
If the judge loves the sound of their own voice, you should expect a long sentence.
People are making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
Expensive laxatives always give you a good run for your money.
I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal; it was a shitzu.
The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
A cartoonist has been found dead, but the details are sketchy.
I always have toast for breakfast because I’m lack-toast intolerant.
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
My maths teacher called me average; that’s mean.
I thought I’d be sad when my torch batteries died, but I was delighted.
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots; that would be stereotyping.
Trees are always releafed when spring arrives.
I thought I might learn Braille, but it’s a bit of a touchy subject.
I don’t trust stairs; they’re always up to something.
Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he had a great fall.
I decided against a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I know most of the alphabet, but I don’t know y.
The other day I gave my seat to a clown; I thought it was a nice jest chair.
I visited the chemists today and tiptoed past the sleeping pills.
Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
There’s been a terrible fire at the circus; it was in tents.
When jousters were made redundant in the middle ages, they had to freelance.
I’ve seen a magician being interviewed, but they refused to answer any trick questions.
English is an odd language; it can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
A cattle farmer near us counts his heard with a cowculator.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig… It’s not a very good poem but it’s very deep.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
The first rule of the Culture Club is that you have to know how to calm a chameleon.
I don’t believe in re-incarnation, although I did in a previous life.
A man just threw milk at me. How dairy!
We have a very stylish gardener; the previous one was too rough around the hedges.
Two men who stole a calendar got six months each.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Do you measure Lego mini-figure foot size in square feet?
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
When I found out that my microwave wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?
Why are there fences around cemeteries; are people dying to get in?
I bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday; it was a huge mistake.
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention; I laughed more than I thought.
I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
Police tried to catch a man stealing 50 helium balloons, but they had to let him go.
Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
I was walking the dogs the other day when they vanished into thin air. I’m not sure where they went, but I’ve got some leads.
Did you know that owls can’t breed in the rain? It’s too wet to woo.
When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing I’m A Believer. Then I saw her face.
I’ve deleted all the Germans off my mobile; it’s now hans free.
A neighbour is in the Guinness Book of Records for the most concussions; he only lives a stones throw away.
Russian dolls can be so annoying; they are just so full of themselves.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s a little lighter.
Stealing cars from a multi storey car park is wrong on so many levels.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?
I wrote a song for a tortilla. Well, it’s more of a wrap.
A hospital has described the condition of a man who swallowed six plastic toy horses as stable.
My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I passed her a glue stick by mistake and now she’s not talking to me.
The secret to having fire in your relationship is finding the perfect match.
I was thinking of adding a ham joint to this soup, but I’m not really into ad hoc meals.
I didn’t like metalwork classes at school; the first thing I did was to make a bolt for the door.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I had this one night stand, but felt so bad about it first thing the next day I went out and bought one for the other side of the bed too.
The Pharaohs were the first people to start a pyramid scheme.
I had to request a different room in a recent hotel stay; I couldn’t find 404.
I wonder which is best; Google or Bing? I might have to Google it.
What’s white and can’t climb trees? A refrigerator.
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending
Italian chefs haven’t died; they’ve just pasta way.
Friends are like penguins. If you push them hard enough they fall over.
How do you make a Care Bear drink? Put it in the blender.
I once did my maths homework in a lift. It was wrong on so many levels.
What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire.
It doesn’t matter how kind you are, German children are always kinder.
Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
Does anyone else think dry erase boards are remarkable?
Dance like no one is watching. Because they aren’t, they’re checking their phones
If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?
I was hesitant when I adopted my first moss, but it took a real lichen to me.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows.
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.