Doctor, Doctor…

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bell!’

‘Take these pills and if they don’t help give me a ring!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a spoon!’

‘Sit over there then and don’t stir!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing double!’

‘Please sit on that couch.’

‘Which one?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I see 50p & 20p coins I have a panic attack; what’s the matter with me?’

‘You’re just afraid of change.’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m going to die in 51 seconds!’

‘I’ll be with you in a minute!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!’

‘When did this first happen?’

‘Next Thursday!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’

‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing a spinning insect!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a bug that’s going around!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve swallowed some small pens and a strainer!’

 ‘Don’t worry, you’re just a little pen sieve!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a goat!’

‘How long have you felt like this?’

‘Since I was a kid!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome’

‘Is it common?’

‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!’

‘Pull yourself together!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar!’

‘I find that very hard to believe!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting a pain in the eye when I drink coffee!’

‘Have you tried taking the spoon out?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a king!’

‘What’s your name?’

‘Joe.’

‘You must be Joe King!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, please, can you help me out?’

‘Of course; which way did you come in?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a £10 note!’

‘Well go and buy something; the change will do you good!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got wind, can you give me something for it?’

‘Yes; here’s a kite!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot!’

‘Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry on my head!’

‘I’ll give you some cream for that!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bee!’

‘Well buzz off, I’m busy!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses!’

‘You certainly do Sir; this is a fish and chip shop!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m suffering from Déjà Vu!’

‘Didn’t I see you yesterday?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?

‘Stick your foot out and trip it up!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.’

‘I’ll deal with you later!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?’

‘I never make rash promises!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, can I have second opinion?’

‘Of course, come back tomorrow!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?’

‘Use a pencil until I get there!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m boiling up!’

‘Just simmer down!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an adder!’

‘Great, you can help me with my accounts!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep painting myself gold!’

‘Don’t worry; it’s just a gilt complex!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a biscuit!’

‘What, you mean those square ones?’

‘Yes!’

‘The ones you put butter on?’

‘Yes!’

‘Ah, you’re crackers!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a frog!’

‘What’s wrong with that?‘

‘I think I’m going to croak!‘

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking?’

‘Sprinkle drawing pins on your bedroom floor!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, my sister thinks she’s a lift!’

‘Well tell her to come in’

‘I can’t, she doesn’t stop at this floor!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!’

‘Next please!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tepee and other days I feel like a wigwam!’

‘Just calm down, you’re two tents!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog!’

‘Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.’

‘But I’m not allowed on the couch!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I have a split personality!’

‘Well, you’d better both sit down!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire!’

‘Necks please!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a nit!’

‘Not you again, how am I to get you out of my hair!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well!’

‘That’s quite enough out of you!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, my husband smells like a fish!’

‘Poor sole!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a burglar!’

‘Have you taken anything for it?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, my baby looks just like his father!’

‘Never mind, just as long as he’s healthy!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a moth!’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just a bit light headed!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!’

‘When did this happen?’

‘When did what happen?’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a rubber band!’

‘Just stretch yourself out on the couch and tell me all about it!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a dog!’

‘Sit!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing!’

‘We’ll soon put a stop to that!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, what did the x-ray of my head show?’

‘Absolutely nothing!’

 

Patient: ‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel so tired, I don’t know where I am half the time!’

Dentist: ‘Open wide now!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’

‘Yes, of course…’

‘Great! I never could before!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle!’

‘I see your point!’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I’m wearing Clingfilm for shorts’

‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’

 

‘Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a woman who delivers babies!’

‘You’re just going through a midwife crisis’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, every time I stand up quickly I see Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck’

‘Don’t worry; you’re just having a Disney spell’

 

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge!’

‘Oh dear, what’s come over you?’

‘Two cars, a large truck and a coach!’

 

BACK TO THE INDEX OF JOKES

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