My dog, Minton, ate some shuttlecocks the other day. Bad Minton.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One says to the other: “Are you going to cross then?” “No,” he says,“we’ll never hear the end of it.”
I walked by the fridge last night, thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just chives talkin.
There are two billiard balls in a pub. One says to the other: “You’re round.”
What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig!
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot…
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino…
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
“What are you doing in that wardrobe?” ~ “Narnia business!”
I love the way the Earth rotates; it really makes my day.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
What do you call a camel with three humps? Humphrey…
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
There are two monkeys getting into the bath. One says: “Ooh ooh ah ah ah ah!” The other says: “Well put some cold in then!”
Two fish swim into a wall. One turns to the other and says: “Dam”.
There are two eggs in a frying pan. One says: “Aaagh! It’s really hot in here!” The other says: “Aaagh! A talking egg!”
There are two hats are on a hat stand. One says to the other “You stay here and I’ll go on a head”.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre.
What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?…“Bison”.
A man goes into a library and says “Fish and chips please”. “This is a library!” said the librarian. So the man whispers back “Sorry, fish and chips please”.
In France they love rabbit puns; apparently they’re lapin it up.
I was thinking about word play on video-games, but no pun Nintendo’d.
I’ve stopped gluing Formica to mdf board; it was counterproductive.
I was going to do a pun about a sick bird, but it’s ill eagle.
I have a great pun about a cow that fell off a tall building; it’s ledge end dairy.
Might buy the book ‘How to Make a Tornado’ by New Scientist; I’m hoping there will be a good twist at the end.
Do you know how duvets are insulated? They’re down loaded.
An owl fell in love with two comedians and had two wits to woo.
The capacitor kissed the diode, because he just couldn’t resistor.
The new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
I tried to eat my watch, but it was too time consuming.
A new scientific study has revealed that if your parents didn’t have children, neither will you.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What’s loud and sounds like apples? APPLES!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe!
The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.
How does a lion like his meat? ROAR!
I intended making a John F Kennedy jelly mould today, but I didn’t want to set a president.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
I once had a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzhu.
I used to fix computers, but IT’s all behind me now.
Due to indigestion, I’m having a little whine with this cheese.
Small boats are very vulnerable to pier pressure.
I intended to have a clock for lunch, but it was too time consuming.
Successful jewel thieves usually have a good ring leader.
Always be kind to your dentist; they have fillings too.
My singing partner couldn’t make it last night; I had to duet alone.
I once got stuck in a glue factory.
I watched a TV drama yesterday about a house with a tiny garden; there wasn’t much of a plot.
A noun and a verb were seeing each other, but they split up because the noun was too possessive.
I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point.
Why is a good book called a page turner: surely that’s the minimum requirement of any book?
Telepath wanted; you know where to apply.
A tomato family went for a walk. The youngest tomato lagged behind, so the others went back, squashed it, and shouted “Ketchup!”
It’s an old one, but have you all seen the Christmas alphabet? ► ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
I imagine snooker players never get tired of receiving potted plants at Christmas.
Don’t stand too close to other people in group photos; it makes it easier to crop them out later.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks “Euripides?” The professor replies “Yes. Eumenides?”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
I wrote a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.
I saw a policewoman using a taser recently; she was stunning.
No one knew my friend had dentures until it came out in conversation.
I’m trying to eat more greens, so I’m now on a new dye it.
I tried wearing a Malaysian dress, but it was sarong size.
Sometimes, from time to time, every so often, occasionally, now and then, once in a while, I wish I’d not been given this thesaurus.
What did the zero say to the number eight? “Nice belt.”
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Two cows standing in a field, one says “Moooooooo”, the other says “Damn it, I was going to say that!”
Cat pilot: “If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. Please bat them with your paws.”
Give a hungry man a GCSE Science textbook and he will eat Faraday.
If at first you don’t succeed, try at least two more times, so that your failure is statistically significant.
Rory McIlroy is getting new golf shoes, because he had a hole in one.
Okay, time for a quick pole: North or South?
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
A farmer asked his new farm hand if he’d shoed a horse before. The farm hand replies “No, but I once told a donkey to piss off”.
What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Identical middle names.
When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.
What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.
According to the Automobile Association, the A3 and A4 are both stationery.
I really can’t speak highly enough about helium balloons.
I play a fluorescent triangle really well. I apologise for the gloating.
What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause.
Why wouldn’t the prawn share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
Before I met my wife I was single by choice. Unfortunately not by my choice.
Who does a Pharaoh talk to when he’s upset? His mummy.
Did Pharaohs like wrap music?
What do you do with a sick ship? Take it to the docks.
Cinderella was a keen soccer player, but she was kicked off the team because she ran away from the ball.
*In a bookshop*
SHOPPER: “I’d like a copy of Hugh Laurie’s autobiography please”
SALES PERSON: “Would you like Fry’s with that?”
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
All owl puns are terrible; says who?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A kitchen explosion in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
You’re stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I used to break into song because I couldn’t find the key.
I before E, except after C… and also when you heinously seize your weird foreign neighbour’s feisty beige heifer
How do you spot a Finnish extrovert? They look at somebody else’s shoes.
Archaeologists are in a legal battle about how they can get to a Bronze Age village, but they expect reach a settlement.
When I’m watching a film, I usually eat popcorn, but if it’s a horror film, ice cream.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
My life is an open book, but it’s badly written and I die at the end.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Escalators don’t break down; they just turn into stairs.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
The wifi went down during our family dinner tonight, someone started talking and I’ve no idea who they are.
I just bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
One day it’s the best thing since sliced bread, the next, it’s toast.
True friendship is when you walk into someones house and your wifi connects automatically.
I had a Wookie steak in a restaurant last night; it was a little Chewy.
Maths teachers call retirement the aftermath.
What do you call Dracula when he has hayfever? The pollen Count.
A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.
Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?
Hell is wallpapered with all our deleted selfies.
Nothing ruins Friday more than realising that today is Tuesday.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Someone ripped pages from both ends of my dictionary; it just goes from Bad to Worse.
My mother just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Some people think I’m addicted to somersaults, but that’s just how I roll.
I’ve just broken a window, but I felt no pane.
The debate about unmanned aircraft just keeps droning on.
When cave men got together they formed clubs.
When the queen starts a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.
Tall people sleep longer in bed.
My leaf blower doesn’t work; it sucks.
A couple started to drift apart after they bought a water bed.
A paediatrician is usually a doctor with very little patients.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Children can play hopscotch almost anywhere, but my drive is where I draw the line.
When the cannibal arrived late for the celebration meal, they gave him the cold shoulder.
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected the expected?
After waiting ages for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.
Peter Pan is useless at throwing punches; they Neverland.
If you press the lift button at least three times it goes into urgent mode and arrives much faster…
Who said nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Everywhere is in walking distance, if you have the time.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
I refused to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them…
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Music makes every day better. Especially if you turn it up loud enough to drown out everyone around you.
Is it right that only one company makes the board game Monopoly?
Yesterday I fell from a 10 metre ladder; fortunately I was on the second step.
There are days when I feel so old that, when I was a child, rainbows were in black and white.
I’ve decided to put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.
A police officer who arrested a judge dressed like a convict for a costume party had never learned to book a judge by their cover.
A bow and quiver are both required for archery, but they are also instructions for what to do if someone aims at you.
The correct way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to annoy you.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a hell of a lot easier than putting it back in.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to avoid the snoring.
My new electric garden trimmers are cutting-hedge technology.