MumblingNerd stuff

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.

I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.

I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.

I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.

Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.

I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.

I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.

I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.

I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.

I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.

I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.

I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.

I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.

Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?

A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.

A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.

Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!

I currantly love raisins.

There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?

If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?

Impotence just means no hard feelings.

I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.

Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.

Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.

I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.

I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.

Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.

I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?

Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.

I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.

The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.

I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.

An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.

Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.

I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.

This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.

The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.

In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.

The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.

I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.

Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.

Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.

A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.

I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.

Our milkman is legend dairy.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape

Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.

I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.

Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.

I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.

Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.

I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.

It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.

With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.

Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?

Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?

My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.

I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.

I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.

I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.

Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.

Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

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