My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.
I’ll have to grit my teeth next time I go out in this cold weather, although my teeth don’t usually ice up.
I was thinking outside of the box today; but they found me this afternoon and put me back in.
I’ve almost finished sorting out my string collection; I just need to tie up a few loose ends.
Apparently a new local priest has set the font alight; that must have been a real baptism of fire.
I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.
I’m tired of washing bath sheets and face cloths, so I’ve thrown the towel in.
I have ‘scarlet’ paint and a selection of new books; now to sort the books into a ‘to be red’ pile.
I’ve never had an audience eating out of the palm of my hand, but it’s a different story with pigeons.
I once designed a container to carry picnic hampers; but it turned out to be a basket case.
I’ve been reading about the Tunguska Event, a huge explosion in Siberia in 1908; it was a real blast from the past.
I’m too lazy to take up flower pressing, so I took a leaf from someone else’s book.
I’ve soundproofed the house and bought ear plugs; I’ll do anything for a quiet life.
Does anyone else really hate walking on wet clay; or am I just an old stick in the mud?
A grandmother’s entire estate was willed to her hairdresser; that was a bad heir day.
A pirate and a shepherd were fighting; determined to win by hook or by crook.
Someone broke my umbrella; I take umbrage at that!
I currantly love raisins.
There’s an author named Amber Greene with a novel called ‘Traffic Signal Sequence’ Has anyone read Amber Greene?
If exits are on the way out, are bathroom scales on the weigh in?
Impotence just means no hard feelings.
I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.
Our cat Max really hates climbing; he’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.
I took up brewing because I like draught beer, but in the end, I bottled it.
Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.
I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.
I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.
Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.
I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?
Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.
I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.
The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; that’s reading between the lines.
I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.
An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.
Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.
I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.
This obsession with appearance is getting out of control; I’ve just found these letters wearing toupees: ã ĩ ñ.
The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.
In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.
The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.
I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.
Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.
Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.
A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.
I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.
Our milkman is legend dairy.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape
Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.
I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.
Took a hammer to a new neighbour’s freezer today; just trying to break the ice.
I’m putting off working some bread dough, but I knead to knuckle down.
Trouser zipper manufacturers are dropping like flies.
I’m sure this blueprint’s the wrong way round; back to the drawing board.
It’s time to put an end to punctuation disputes, full stop.
With middle age spread all good thins come to an end.
Is calling a puppy ‘Putrid’ giving a dog a bad name?
Is circumcision a fore gone conclusion?
My head is resting against a violin; I’ve no idea why, I’ll just have to play it by ear.
I’ve a needlework exam today; I’m pinning my hopes on it, but I’m sew nervous I needle little encouragement.
I had forty winks earlier; now my eye’s sore, two people slapped me and only one winked back.
I just Googled the price of amputations; they cost an arm and a leg.
Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.
Bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
Know Pun Intended 